Shepherds and their Sheep

August 29, 2019

As a young girl I heard many sermons on being used as a tool of God, which sounds good on the surface. Many words were spoken to get the flock serving others around us by being this holy tool. There was little talk about God’s grace, but a lot of words brimming with wrath. So not surprisingly, I saw adults acting as a hammer, sometimes an ax, coarse sandpaper. Shepherds were being trained to use the rod and staff to beat their sheep and shame them into submission.

As a young married couple we moved out of state and to a different community of believers. The first sermons were on the topic of grace. I spent a morning crying in the church bathroom, not sure why I was so touched by the sermon but repeating to myself, “I never knew….I never knew.” Fifteen years in church, five years of AWANA, eight years of private Christian school, and I never knew of God’s grace. I thought it was up to me to be that “perfect little tool” to slap people over the head with scripture and set an example of the “perfect little Christian life”. Hiding behind that mask was a lifeless, sin-filled, totally lost sheep who had wandered away from the flock.

Fast forward to today. I’m a mom of two teens and a grade schooler. We home educate and many times I default into trying to be a tool in my children’s lives. My focus can be on outcomes, behaviors, externals. But again, and again I am reminded through scripture reading, times of worship and retreat, walks, gazing at the wonder of nature, that God is our Good Shephard who does not beat his sheep. He uses his rod and staff to gently guide us, protect us, and keep the enemy out of our green pastures. He does not USE his sheep nor does He desire for us to use others.

1 The Lord is my shepherd , I shall not want . 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures ; He leads me beside quiet waters . 3 He restores my soul ; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake . 4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death , I fear no evil , for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff , they comfort me 5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies ; You have anointed my head with oil ; My cup overflows . 6 Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life , And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23

When we view our Father as one who wants to USE, we can infer that we are less than human – a thing to obtain an end. Then we start to treat others non-humanly. We look around and see who we can use instead of connecting with hearts, souls, minds. We manipulate. We put up an image of perfect families, systems, programs as an idol in our hearts. And then we become disillusioned when our “perfect little families” idol blows up in our face. People to leave the faith because of this disillusionment. We feel we gave God A, B, C and He owes us X, Y, Z. This is what happens when we build on our terms. But God’s purpose for creating us was relationship. Relationship means communion. Communion means oneness. I am not at oneness when I’m trying to make someone bend to my ideals.

“Those who love their dream of a Christian community more than they love the Christian community itself become destroyers of that Christian community even though their personal intentions may be ever so honest, earnest and sacrificial. God hates this wishful dreaming because it makes the dreamer proud and pretentious. Those who dream of this idolized community demand that it be fulfilled by God, by others and by themselves. They enter the community of Christians with their demands set up by their own law, and judge one another and God accordingly. It is not we who build. Christ builds the church. Whoever is mindful to build the church is surely well on the way to destroying it, for he will build a temple to idols without wishing or knowing it. We must confess he builds. We must proclaim, he builds. We must pray to him, and he will build. We do not know his plan. We cannot see whether he is building or pulling down. It may be that the times which by human standards are the times of collapse are for him the great times of construction. It may be that the times which from a human point are great times for the church are times when it’s pulled down. It is a great comfort which Jesus gives to his church. You confess, preach, bear witness to me, and I alone will build where it pleases me. Do not meddle in what is not your providence. Do what is given to you, and do it well, and you will have done enough…. Live together in the forgiveness of your sins. Forgive each other every day from the bottom of your hearts.”

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

As we start up another year of home education I can see the results of my former scaffolding falling away, which is so good. I don’t want to live as a tool, trying to shape and mold people into my image. Our family can live in the freedom of following our Shephard. He alone guides our hearts. Many times I believe I’m the reminder of how broken we humans are and how amazing and loving Father is with us. And we pray.

Two resources that have been so helpful in understanding our Father as Shephard are:

“Enjoy the Shephard – Ray Carman” on Facebook

“Scouting the Divine” by Margaret Feinberg. She is also on Facebook. Here is a video from her summer Bible Study:https://www.facebook.com/margaretfeinberg/videos/1748219118565542/

2019 Planning: Where Structure Meets Spontaneity

I’ve been reviewing 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, etc., and notice a significantly concerning trend. As mentioned many times in prior posts, my twitch is to look for solutions, purchase books and curriculum, and buy into other people’s view of what homeschooling ideal is the “best”. After many years it appears I’ve taken by eyes off my children and focused them on following Facebook and Instagram feeds. So late last year I completely deleted Instagram and Facebook. What a relief! I feel I can breath again and my children have my attention.

Now that the firestorm of voices trying to sell me an idea or ideal is turned off I have time to calmly walk through our house and see the huge piles of books and papers I’ve accumulated. Extravagant hours and money have been spent to try to become all the things the voices said I and my children should be.  It appears I was trying to use osmosis to learn because we have not actually read most of the books. Instead of taking these years to walk our own unique journey I stopped at a fork at the road and dug a deep trench filled with a varied and deep library that is not relevant to our family. My children stay very busy and curious studying a few select things which gives them time and energy to be curious and discover their own talents.

So as a journaling lover, I’ve decided to put a few rails in the road to help me to stay focused on God and my children instead of the materials. One way I plan to train myself to not twitch into purchases is to go through a real planning and implementation exercise. With the Christmas break I have time to reflect and create. Super fun! So I thought I’d share some images of my journals. This system is birthed out the desire to have some stretching and strengthening in crafting my personal intentions (I like that word so much better than “goals”) while also being able to use my personality and creativity to track and implement my intentions.  

Cultivate What Matters Powersheets. I have ordered my 2019 set.

Wild Simplicity Daybook. I use this as a prayer, passion, and vision board journal. 

Traveler’s Journal. I use this leather-bound book which house three budget booklets.

Cultivate What Matters includes a monthly Tending List to guide my days and calendar. This was my 2018 January list.

This inside glimpse shows you the gem Lesley Austin handcrafted which she lovingly calls her Wild Simplicity Daybook. I use this handcrafted earth-thoughtful beauty to house two vessels. The first booklet is a Diary which I use as a vision board and a place to capture the highlights of my learning for the month. The second booklet I use to keep track of my days. I purchase these items from Lesley Austin on Etsy under SmallMeadow. Her shop is napping right now for Christmas but she will be placing more of her offerings after the new year. I am also a member on her online haven Wisteria & Sunshine. You can sign up to join this sanctuary at anytime.

In the Diary there are several interesting sections that invite planning and intention setting. I like to take the blank pages provided and add clippings from magazines to add some focus and interest. It is always interesting to me to see what pictures land in the book and the words that land on those pages. I also have other lovely journals where I write prayers and verses as led. My children know that a gift of a journal will always be perfect.

This Book of Days, also from Lesley’s shop, will be the vessel to hold my daily and weekly schedule. My priority list and special notes have a home to the right and bottom of the weekly calendar spread. Isn’t it so pretty and simple?

My traveler’s notebook has a small booklet where I can plan the week’s meals and create a sticky note shopping list. I don’t assign a meal to a particular day but make a list I can choose depending on our mood or fancy.

A cute folder in the Traveler’s notebook gives me a place to put my receipts for the month. And this Susan Branch calendar serves as a vision board of the artistry I’d like to continue to create and will be used to track weekly food and miscellaneous expenditures. I suppose writing in a pretty calendar will help motivate me to stay focused on my weekly budget allowances. I’m hopeful that if I focus on the purpose God has for our family and not spend all my time and money resources on finding the “perfect” ideal that I will be doing my family and big favor. 

This simple and creatively inspiring journaling process will be helpful in keeping my intentions. Deeply rooted into the Cultivate What Matters yearly journal and the open-ended Daybooks are the expectations that flexibility and changes will need to be occur. I can make changes along the way but all the while checking in with my heart and seeing where the Lord is leading us.

Have a very Merry Christmas.

For God is working in you, giving you the desire and power to do what pleases Him. (AMEN!)

Philippians 2:13

Long Time No See

It’s been more than a year since I’ve spent time to write out my thoughts about homeschooling. At this rate I’m averaging about two posts a year.

But believe me there have been many hours spent listening, talking, mulling, daydreaming, reading, searching, trying, failing, succeeding, and sweating over this thing we are working through in our home. This record of my meandering and digging in various potholes is enlightening. It reveals an intense desire to do this thing right. And really the core issue is searching for the best method to ensure peaceful days. When I imagined marriage I imagined perfection since we were both going to be nice and peaceful people. I imagined perfect parenting and perfect children because we were going to be kind and endearing. I imagined there was a particular path we could walk to guarantee successful relationships, education, and a lucrative lifestyle.

So I tried listening to many voices that seemed to call to me with a guaranteed approach to living perfectly. Sure they did not actually guarantee perfection but it all did sound heavenly. We tried our hand at a co-op which was beneficial in many ways but really left myself and my creative middle daughter in tears. I even scolded my youngest out of anger – in front of everyone – gasp! So humbling and horrifying.  I took the wheel many times in my oldest son’s lessons to ensure success. Wow this is all so hard to write.

This year it was decided to be independent and study topics of individual interest while also using a reading/history curriculum that helped me to feel as though we would be exposing ourselves to general topics we might not simply stumble upon on our own. The summer season of planning was rather frenetic. I attended a homeschool convention which was hosted by two vastly different schools of thought. A classical homeschool founder presented her ideas to a thirsty crowd of parents while Todd Wilson known as The Smiling Homeschooler has his own homeschool ministry also offered his insight. What I noticed about the two experiences was one presenter seemed quite stoic and might I add stressed, while the other looked genuinely happy. At this point I knew I needed genuinely peaceful and happy. But there I go again looking to people to point out the right path for my family and judging hearts that I don’t even know.

So I’ve come full circle again to my initial mantras of loving my kids where they are, not putting pressure in academics but building relationships, and looking for opportunities to smile. My children are growing up quickly. It feels there are not many more days left to make memories while we are a full house. 

GRATITUDE

I’m so pleased that we purchased that old RV and drove all over the state for our son’s golf tournaments, we finally camped in Homer, we booked that introductory flight for our son to actually fly a small plane, we helped our middle daughter realize her dream of getting her parrolet from a breeder in Florida, we enrolled our youngest back into gymnastics but at the recreation level, we dropped the honors level of Biology class for our son and are doing the basic level with me studying alongside him so he can learn good notetaking and study skills, and we accommodated our middle daughter’s desire to change math curriculum and encourage her to be a mermaid.

There is no magic formula. There is no perfect curriculum. There is no guaranteed system. There is the masterpiece of my child.

Psalm 138:8 The LORD will work out His plans for my life – for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever.

 

 

 

The Light Quenches Shame

We are designed to live in The Light, to bask in His Radiance. We are draped in His very Life. Our being is meant to absorb the glory of His brilliance as He shines His smiling and accepting face upon us. We are simply to look toward His Presence and absorb the nourishment. We are changed at the core of our being. We are united with Him in Christ.

I have come as a light into the world, so that everyone who believes in me should not remain in darkness. John 12:26

We are clean and can be sure that we are presentable inside and out. We are washed and have no shame or evil. Our conscience is clear. He always keeps His word. Hebrews 10:22

But what if I choose to sit down, hide in the dark, and run from the radiance? The SON is still there. The reality of His life reaches even into the dark rooms of my soul. If I choose to hide in the shadows and frame my world through the lenses of shame, then I will walk miserably through the gloom, refusing to accept healing. So why do I linger in the shadows? Are they comfortable for me? Does the shame seem normal, natural? Do I prefer to paint the picture of my life with words of unworthiness? Do I believe that I have no choice?

These cold, dark words penetrate, cooling my heart until I see myself as unworthy. When did I first feel this message of unworthiness? Do you know when you first allowed shame to define you? When was the first “Shame on You!” severely spoken into your precious heart? If we accept that message, take that lie into our being, swallow the shame, then we view everything and everyone else through those dark lenses. Has anyone told us we can simply walk away from the shadow of shame and stand up, facing the light of day?

As I’ve spent time reflecting on the words I choose, the attitudes I project, and the assumptions I entertain, it is startling to me how much of my perspective is drenched in the words, “You’re not good enough”. So then of course I have to push myself to achieve more. Look cuter. Exercise. Declutter. Organize. Whiten my teeth. Redecorate. Find the perfect anti-aging skin cream. Sound smart. Make excuses. Blame others. Shame others. Find some way to differentiate myself to get noticed.

And how has this spilled over into homeschooling? Well, when a child presents with a viewpoint that does not support my master plan of “Worthiness through Effort”, I quickly dive into spouting words of condemnation. But I’m tired of living in this murky swamp. What will it take to rise from this dark space and lift my face up into the light?

I believe that God leads us into prayers. I believe that He prepares doors before we even ask and presents them when the time is right. I continue to seek God’s Word and truth, learn to accept help, and learn to trust Him. I wait to see what new miracle He places on my path. And I look for resources that help point me to His face.

So may I offer you a sweet resource I’ve been introduced to through Heather at the God Centered Mom podcast. “Connected Families – Uncommon Grace and Truth for Parents” is literally changing my heart and the tone of interactions with my family. Their message is immersed in truth and freedom. I have spend considerable time reconciling myself to my true identity with Christ. And this resource is a source of true refreshment, offering real examples and skits to help me reframe my interactions.

Visit http://www.connectedfamilies.org. Please take a moment to look at their life-infused examples and encouragement. They have a fabulous website, they offer free videos on youtube, a podcast, as well as subscriber emails that are amazing resources for parents.

There is also a spring course they are offering. Their modules include: How well intentioned parents miss their kids’ heart, You are safe with me, You are loved no matter what, You are God’s workmanship, You are responsible, and The four messages in action. I’m on module 2 of 6 and believe this is the best present I can give myself and my family. If you feel the nudge to take a step toward walking out of shame and into the light this course may be that first stepping stone. Click on the affiliate link to take a look. http://courses.connectedfamilies.org/?affcode=13462_wf8j8oji. They also offer discounted rates for financial hardship. They do not want finances to be a barrier for attending their course.

Let us linger on the following promise from God’s Word:

God comes near to us – in the midst of our pain and darkness. He draws near and is with us. He is Savior. While we were sinners He died for us. We are reconciled to Him. He is with us. He is with us ALWAYS. Romans 5:8

We cannot imagine what God has prepared for those who love Him.