We Are Connected

We have been to the hospital every day for the past two weeks. My father-in-law is fading and we are looking for an extended care facility to help him with his needs. Many details of preparing for the future and helping to unburden him of his generally unremembered possesions have landed in our lap. We went through a small model of this three years ago when my mother-in-law passed away. 

After Thanksgiving dinner my three children, husband and sister-in-law drove over to the hospital to visit my father-in-law.

The biggest event of my day, other than undercooking the 22 lb. turkey, was our unexpected meeting with Virginia. The first time we saw Virginia, she was fixing her baby doll’s hair and using markers to color pictures. Because we have been to the hospital every day for the past two weeks we have seen various stages of Virginia’s experience there. We have noticed that she has no visitors. Usually her expression is vacant. Sometimes we hear her yelling at the nurses. 

We had just been in my father-in-laws hospital room, catching up on the day’s events, searching his eyes and words for clues on his physical and mental condition when we heard a commotion across the hall. Virginia was having one of her episodes of noncooperation. Each nurse who approached her was quickly pushed away by her violent words and attitude. Then Virginia looked across the hall and made eye contact with me. Huh oh. Well, I smiled and tried to be pleasant. I guess it worked because she smiled back and started walking into our room. Huh oh again. She introduced herself, apologized for the intrusion, and expressed that she was needing to come into our room to find her clothes which the “bad people” across the hall would not let her have. So what could I do? I invited her in.

My conversation with Virginia drifted toward her life in Alaska, her pug dogs, and the tree pendant she was wearing. In the meantime the nursing staff was trying to lure her out of our room but she would not have it. She wanted to stay put and sat down in the room’s wheelchair. She mentioned how sweet the girls looked in their dresses, which she had commented on at a previous visit when we passed by her. She apparently notices pretty dresses. She wrapped her silver hair in a colorful scarf and expressed her creativity by tying up her hospital gown unconventionally. When I mentioned that her tree pendant was something I really admired because of the verse that says we can be like trees planted by living waters she said, “See, when I saw you I knew that.” We are all so connected.

We chatted a bit more and she again apologized for coming in as she was trying to find all her clothes that people had hidden from her. It was then that Virginia’s countenance changed and turned into tears. Through her sorrow she expressed that she was not a bad person and she was so sorry. All our hearts went out to her. I tried to console her and reassure her she had a good heart and was loved by many people. At the same time I was concerned for her emotional outburst occurring in front of my father-in-law because he of his own struggles – a body that has him jailed to a hospital bed and mental weakening. Since his stroke 15 years ago, heart surgery 8 years ago, losing his wife 3 years ago, this once stoic man has changed into a person who experiences unhidden and unapologetic emotion. We are all so connected.

Virginia calmed down, the awkwardness in the room slowly lifted, and eventually a nurse was able to get Virginia to move on. She apologized again for coming in and said she hoped to see us and the girls again when we came to visit. I hope we do see her again and maybe she will remember us. In her sweet mind she is adorable. In distortion she is fierce. We are connected.

Tonight I noticed that Virginia’s dolly is tucked into her bed and the pictures she colored are hanging up in her wall. My 8-year-old daughter does the same thing. We are connected.

As a homeschool family I can become concerned that during this time our “school” time is very light. But these real life experiences are heavy and weighty and what really matters. I’m so glad they were able to experience reaching out and showing care for people in distress. We don’t need to run away. We can sit in discomfort and thankfulness. Be connected.

Homeschooling Minus the Headache or Heartache

I’ve noticed an interesting connection. I look at my neighbors, community, state, nation and the world and see everyone is unique and beautiful but I do not have any compulsion to copy their day-to-day life. I don’t ever look at other people’s lives and think, “Wow! I need to copy everything you wear, the house you buy, the food you eat, the car you drive.” But I will do that when trying to select homeschooling curriculum, schedules or philosophies. I wonder why I put myself into that box? Why would I think that of all things our best learning would come from copying someone else? 

I certainly like to consider reviews and recommendations. But when it comes to my children’s education, trying to follow in any particular person’s footsteps does not seem natural to me. Maybe some personalities and families feel considerable trust and assurance by following? It could be that my personality of enneagram 4 or INFP likes to be wild and free?  Ultimately I return to the path that leads to peace and rest. I know that when my thoughts are saturated in fear and unmet expectations that I’ve wandered from our signature adventure.

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Limitless Hugs

Our life and times are connected. I believe there is an inherent knowing that is passed from one generation to another. This little hug from one person to another to say “I see you and I love you”. Decades ago our sweet Grammie – the sweetest lady who ever lived – painted this picture of this sweet kitty.  When our little Rachel was 6 years old she miraculously convinced daddy to get our little Snowflake. Coincidence?  I don’t think so. I believe Grammie was able to sense into the future and painted this kitty. She did not know it but her creative expression was an offering of a limitless hug. This connection makes us feel close to her even though she’s been gone from us for three years. We love her. And she loves us.

I would also like to state that our creative Rachel hopes to one day open a coffee cat shop where people can come to sip her delicious coffee and have an opportunity to adore and adopt a sweet kitty. Did Grammie had a sense of this as well? Maybe.

Coming Home

We traveled over 3,000 miles to find a dream come true. Family reconnected. Memories were made. Hearts were reconciled. Visions fulfilled. I had no idea what this trip would mean to us.

I remember the moment when we made the decision to book the travel arrangements. It was a nudge that seemed to come from out of ourselves. We were immediately girded with strength in the matter. It was about the same feeling we had when we decided to finally remodel our kitchen, return a car we had just purchased a couple of hours before, support a widow, and granting ourselves permission to ask for professional help when caring for aging parents.

These things all were an invitation to step into trust. We heard the call and felt sure that it would all work out as it was supposed to without having the details laid out. But I like knowing details – like the details you are given when going through high school and college. There is a course and schedule. But as we engage past guarantees we experience intuition and the call to step into the promise. We actually are given a guarantee. We are given a Promise. The details may be unclear but ultimately we know He Redeems.

Wendell Berry wrote some comforting words in the offering of Jayber Crow:

“I can remember those early years when it seemed to me I was cut completely adrift, and times when looking back at earlier times, it seemed I had been wandering in the dark woods of error. But now it looks to me as though I was following a path that was laid out for me, unbroken, and maybe even as straight as possible, from one end to the other, and I have this feeling, which never leaves me anymore, that I have been led.”

Daytona Beach

Front porch of Aunt Kathy’s and Uncle Danny’s 95-year-old family home

Dairy cows

Making friends

Cooking with Papa

The BEST golfing

Psalm 107:1-2  Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble and gathered in from the lands, from the east and from the west, from the north and from the south.

Experimenting with Structure & Creativity

Alan has been working on a science experiment as an assignment through his co-op (more about this later) and it made me think how fun it has been to personally experiment in the world of structure and creativity. During our Christmas break, I’ve picked up some wonderful resources that seem to scratch that creativity itch that occasionally taps on my shoulder. I’ve really enjoyed reading the biographies of some very artful ladies. Maybe you’ve heard of them?

• Morgan Day Cecil. If you have an opportunity to take one of her on-line classes, follow along on her YouTube channel, connect on Facebook or Instagram, DO IT! She is a wild feminine force and she gently leads us into wholeness.
• Julia Cameron at juliacameronlive.com wrote “The Artist’s Way”. I’m currently going through her online artist class. This class is something that I could recommend to any woman – let alone any woman who is homeschooling. There are daily, weekly and monthly exercises used to awaken your mind and soul. Fabulous. Life changing. (I mention some of the practices later in the post).
• Susan Branch at susanbranch.com along with her delicious list of book recommendations. She has inspired me to work on sketching, watercolor painting, and lettering.
• Lesley Austin writes on all things beautiful, simplicity, and quiet. I use her Wild Simplicity Daybook to journal what we have learned each day in our homeschooling journey. She is a place of calm retreat.
• Gladys Taber  wrote monthly diaries about living in Cape Cod. She depicts a relaxed and fully engaging lifestyle that I would like to embody.

I know these are alot of links and with today’s internet noise it can feel overwhelming to be handed so many recommendations. But I have to say – these ladies are inspirational. I think the beauty of it is that you’ve come across your own inspirational resources. It is amazing that when we open ourselves up to growth and movement, the resources appear on our doorstep. I believe that is the same with our children and their interests. As you experiment and open your heart and mind to experiences that point you toward your Maker, you are bound to experience renewed hope and joy.

So, this year we embarked on a very “unlike me” type of journey. We signed up to participate in a classical co-op which is quite regimented in my perspective. Being a person who enjoys freedom to frolic about and not comment to any particular “system”, I have found that this co-op to be a surprisingly great experience for my oldest. He is 13. He loves friends. He likes a good challenge. And at this point in his life he enjoys a good debate. Although he is quiet, he will speak his mind when given the opportunity in public.

However, my very creative and free-flowing middle daughter has considered each Monday in this co-op a type of “torture that she wishes never to repeat again”. So we will close out this year as best we can. My expectation was simply to glean as much as we could from this experiment. I would probably have pulled her out at the end of this last semester but intense me signed up to be a tutor and I’m with it for the year.

I personally have really enjoyed the journey and find that having a group to meet with keeps me on my toes. The families there are lovely. Our tutor, Miss Beth, in Alan’s class of a little less than a dozen 8th graders, is a kindred spirit. She really makes the whole thing worth if for me. As much as a resist some of the premises of this type of co-op,  I’ve learned so much and my daughter will admit she has as well. She recites all the little songs and factoids she has learned over the past 12 weeks. She has the opportunity to amass a little more knowledge in the next 12 weeks and will be counting the days until they are complete.

Our 2016-2017 homeschool experiment is at the half-way point. Will my son return next year? Probably if the same tutor continues to teach. Will my middle daughter? No. Will my youngest daughter? Probably not. But I have to say that the monthly small reimbursements for teaching have sparked a personal interest in continuing a side income-producing opportunity. I’ve been so excited to “take the family out” with the money that I have earned. I’ve never had to work so hard for money but it feels so invigorating.

We will see how my experiment with writing daily morning pages, weekly artist dates, and taking silent walks each week will open the door to more opportunities to teach and create. These exercises are recommended by Julia Cameron in her book, “The Artist’s Life”. I feel like the resources that I’ve recommended have given me a real boost of energy. Now I need to create boundaries around this new enthusiasm and really connect with my family and friends. I can get lost in the self-discovery journey and forget to enjoy the people and experiences in the present. How do you spark joy and continue focusing on your family?

(P.S. Started brewing my own Kambutcha. Thanks Samantha!)

This is how I live dangerously

(P.S.S. No academics over the last few weeks. Instead, we all slept a lot, poured ourselves into our passions, and laughed a lot.)

 

Their lists typify each personality

 

 

 

When Homeschooling is Too Hard

“The harder something is, the more it requires my softness.”

This is a saying that is rocking my world right now.

I first heard it from a wonderfully nourishing site of Jen Hoffman at http://healthymoving.com.

It seems the end of this school year has brought out my insecurities in abandon. Floudering about and grasping for the next thing that promises success, I have been demanding my children to hop to and get in line. I look at our seemingly small progress and project visions of  failure. Instead of seeing the victories and successes I see only “small” and “insignificant”.

As I was putting to bed one of my very deep thinking and intuitive children, she told me, “Mommy, you trust God for everything but not with school.” Ouch! I think she is right. Another morning, when I was feeling significantly tender and unsure of my ability to lead my children (which ended up taking me down the path of ranting and raving about our need to DO MORE! and TRY HARDER!) my youngest girl came up to me showing me what she had copied into her notebook that morning. I was expecting to see the usual display of cute little backward letters all strung together without regard to spacing or alignment. But the words floored me. “RESTFUL“. Nowhere in the book from which she was copying could I find that word. It is as though The Spirit had her speak words of truth into that moment. And she brought it to me in a sweet offering of a way. I was undone.

Trying to lead by inspiring and not driving has been difficult for me. The way we as a family climbed to the peak of Mt. Baldy in Eagle River is how I’d love to experience our homeschool days. I was fully confident in our ability to scale our first mountain of the season. I was enthusiastic, fully loving being out and stretching our muscles, pushing ourselves until we were breathless. I willingly accepted and enjoyed the sweaty work. I didn’t bark orders. I didn’t pronounce doom and gloom. I didn’t think anyone was lazy. We simply kept taking one step after another while calling out words of encouragement while stopping to soak in the awe of the vistas we were attaining. We knew we could make it to the summit. And we thoroughly enjoyed the reward of reaching the peak.

So as we continue to plod along this summer in our educational and recreational activities, I’m going to remember the words of our Deliverer:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke on you and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and my load is not hard to carry.  Matthew 11:28-30

I don’t expect life or homeschooling to be “easy” by my definition of “easy”. It is hard work. It is trust work. There is a yoke. There is a load.

Diving deeper and studying the meaning of “REST” reveals: 3) to keep quiet, of calm and patient expectation.

“MY YOKE IS EASY TO BEAR” includes: 1) fit, fit for use, useful 1a) virtuous, good 2) manageable 2a) mild, pleasant (as opp. to harsh, hard sharp, bitter) 2b) of things: more pleasant, of people, kind, benevolent.

“MY LOAD IS NOT HARD TO CARRY” also means: 1) light in weight, quick, agile.

So when I place my trust in the Savior of my children to lead them individually, to bend their dispositions and hearts toward the things He has planned for them, being willing to allow personal styles and unique callings in Christ to govern our choices, I can feel the weight of performance drop off my shoulders. We can be fully confident that the work He begins in us will be completed by The Author of our salvation. With this full assurance and expectancy, I can enjoy the hard work knowing that we are gaining strength and  the magnificent gift of perspective.

I will continue to repeat the mantra that “The harder something is, the more it requires my softness.” And my softness is my cheerful expectancy that the God of Good, Beauty and Truth is at work in my babies’ hearts, and praise YHWH, in my wavering heart as well.

 “The harder something is, the more it requires my softness.”

Early Retirement Anyone?

I’m about ready to retire now. Ready to retire from homeschooling, cleaning, cooking, washing. This is the time of year when I want to cast off all responsibility and go on an adventure. The funny thing is we just returned from a vacation to Hawaii. You’d think I would return refreshed and ready to plow ahead. But something deep within my soul seems overwhelmed. Too much noise. Too much talking. Too much struggle. Too much. Maybe it’s the highly sensitive personality of mine, or being an INFP, or simply being a mom who has been on call for 12 years nonstop.

What would happen if I didn’t get up early in the mornings with a quiet time, didn’t rally my kids to get up and “start our day” with chores, devotions, and a read-aloud, didn’t pull out math books to work on fractions and percentages, didn’t ask for daily writing and reading practice, didn’t make dinner, and didn’t wash the clothes? Well Mother Bear used this method and her family rallied when everything started to feel gross and unbearable. Also, it seemed to be a good method for Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle. And I understand that those are fictional characters. But I’m wiling to give it a try. I wonder what the results will be from this experiment?

I feel that what I’m really tired of is the feeling of pushing and pulling my family toward my vision for life. I’m ready to spread my wings and pursue areas of interest for myself. No books on the “right” educational methods. No podcasts about “how to do everything better”. More resources about enjoying and expecting. I’m ready to stop waking up in the morning and dreading the day. I wonder if my children have been waking up dreading their days?

So this is my experiment for this time. Casting off mundane routines. Shedding expectations of conformity. Instead, I will listen for the whispers of peace and move in the direction of delight. Join us?

“Come to Me, all who labor and area heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” – Jesus (Matthew 11:28)

Earth Quakes!

We experienced a middle-of-the-night wake up call Sunday morning. Our house was rocked by a 7.1 magnitude earthquake. Having grown up in Alaska, I’ve experience tremors quite regularly. But this one felt different. “Is this going to be The Big One”? I scrambled out of bed and stumble through the darkness  – just incase I needed to round up the children. By the time the earth quieted and the house stopped shaking, our hearts were pounding.

That was a truly humbling experience.  We could only brace ourselves and wait while our world was unhinged. We breathed a huge sign of relief when the calm returned. And there was such sweet relief when all was quiet. I calmed myself with the thought that our house is built on bedrock. And it seems the house can sway nicely.

But how I truly appreciate the quakes I don’t feel, like when we have been out fishing or driving and heard later that there was quite an earthquake that we missed. However, when a quake hits while we are in man-made structures, the results can be dramatic. Our stick-built home filled with possessions can magnify the intensity of any tremor.

Some days our relationships are rocked with instability. There is a shifting and sliding that leaves us dizzy.  It takes your breath away. The noise is threatening. We are shrouded in fear.

Has my heart and hands built unforgiving walls and shallow foundations that do not sway? Am I depending upon shifting sand? Are my hands and heart walking in softness and tenderness? Or have I created an environment of rigidness that actually MAKES the way unstable? The results can be devastating.

My prayer is that we absorb the Truth of Who We Are In Christ. We can stand in peace when the quake comes. The feelings of doomsday come when our rigidness revolts against adjustments. I trust He is continually drawing close to us, pursuing us, freeing us.

For it is God who works in you both to will and to do His good pleasure. For the One bringing forth in you both the desire and the effort – for the sake of His good pleasure – is God. So do everything without complaining. Philippians 2:13 – 14

I need this verse because homeschooling is an area where I can complain. My brilliant ideas are not so readily accepted by my children. They are not so thrilled with this or that. My self-made scaffolding buckles under the sway of humanness and childhood. Instead of complaining, I can see that God is drawing our hearts along. His work will be done. So where can I look for open and adventurous places to wander? Where is freedom leading us? What voices of condemnation do I need to shut down? What doors do we need to step through?

Where do I feel weak and need reassurance:

My grace is enough – all that you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. So I will boast in my weakness so the power of Christ may reside in me. Quit focusing on the handicap and appreciate the gift. 2 Corinthians 12:9

I don’t have to worry about my mistakes or shortcomings:

Nothing is wasted with God – even those thing we would like to forget. He takes our torment that we create ourselves and makes a miraculous monument that lives and grows – ever expanding rings of hope and glory. Romans 8:28

When the way seems dark and I don’t know where I’m going:

even the darkness is not dark to You;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with You. Psalm 139:12

Daughter,

You are Always Safe because you are Held in

Our Father’s Mighty Arms

(REST)

 

Feeling Small?

There have been days on this homeschooling journey that I’ve been reduced to feeling very small. Too small to undertake this epic ride. Too insignificant to lead these “image-bearers” of God toward true understanding of life. Too inconsistent. Too impatient. Too quiet. And too loud.

I hear the mantra of lies that whisper from the dark shadows: “You’re not good enough.” This is a core lie that has unsettled me from the days of my childhood. I noticed at the tender age of 4 that I was different – an undesirable different by being Eurasian. I remember looking at all the “white kids” and wishing I could be like them. I felt that way until deep into my 30s when a significant event gave me the outside affirmation I was seeking. Sadly, looking for validation from people is intoxicating and ultimately unfulfilling. When the praise and platform is gone, so is the belief of adequacy.

However, when I look into the faces of my “blended” children I think they are incredibly lovely – sprinkled with hints of coloring and features from multiple ethnicities.  Nevertheless, living out of my own insecurities and hearing the lies of insufficiency I turn around and want to control and fix not my children’s physical appearance, but their very nature. Because I am ever trying to fix and affirm myself, I turn that into a project of fixing my children by securitizing their athleticism, cringing at their visible self-doubt, and feeling disturbed by their choices.

So my meditations have been spent looking for truth that illuminates our transcendent position and inheritance in the Divine nature. I am continually reminded that we are COMPLETE IN CHRIST. The kingdom has come and the battle is over.

If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing Himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else He wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? Romans 8:32

I want you to realize that you are woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God, that your minds will be confident and at rest, focused on Christ – God’s great mystery. All the richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that mystery and nowhere else. And we’ve been shown the mystery! Colossians 2:2-3

Each day of the journey I want to live fully:

AWAKE

A new understanding of the thrills of life and riding the

Wave of an unfolding day

Another opportunity to rest and soften

Keep seeking perspective from a higher 

Elevation.

Where can we change our mindset to absorb the richness in which we are called and release the illusion of insufficiency?

You are His dear one. There is nothing to prove and no one to impress.

God’s Glory Radiates Through His Creation and YOU are His Dearest Creation.